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Topics - chiccomallo

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1
General Discussion / Party
« on: January 04, 2016, 03:40:27 PM »
If you don't know, Tomorrow ( Tuesday ) at approx. 4PM Steve the waiter is having his retirement/birthday party down in the function room. Its free to enter & everyone is welcome although he will be collecting donations for the children's charity in Los G. The Twilight shadows will be entertaining us, so be there or be square

2
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / House
« on: December 15, 2015, 09:20:15 AM »
My neighbours house has a big "FOR LEASE" sign out the front.
 So, in the Christmas spirit I took a black felt tip pen wth me and wrote, "NAVIDAD" underneath

3
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / Internet
« on: December 13, 2015, 10:34:44 AM »
The Internet is amazing. You have access to every possible piece of information known to man.

And yet here you are reading this  ???

4
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / Advent
« on: December 04, 2015, 09:25:35 AM »
Microsoft sent me an advent calendar in the post.
I'm not opening Windows 7 8 or 10

5
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / Calender
« on: December 03, 2015, 05:10:12 PM »
I got a Jehovah's Witness themed advent calender for Christmas.

I won't be opening any of the doors.

6
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / Michael
« on: November 21, 2015, 06:13:35 PM »

Spare a thought for poor ole for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

After arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be €1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman.

"And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6pm until 8pm.

We have the cheapest beer in Ireland".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.

That will be €3 please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up.

He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman.

"That'll be an extra €2.

You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you €1."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4 for your seat sir".

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman.

"And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another €3."

O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be €2 please."

O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." "I've had enough!

What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this.

I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number.

Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only €1 per second, or part thereof".

"I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for €1.

7
Buying, Selling & Gifting / Tea leaf
« on: October 22, 2015, 03:56:19 PM »
A couple of years ago we bought a grapefruit tree from one of the garden centers & planted it just by our gate, we've never had any fruit on it until a few weeks ago. We have been watching 6 grape fruits grow for several weeks looking forward to the day when we could harvest our own fruit. I don't like grapefruit but Sharon loves it & it's been nice watching her check to see how big they were getting. This morning she said that the 2 largest ones would be ready for picking & went out to get them, when she came back she was really upset because some thieving bastard had beaten her to it & had taken them ! You have got to be pretty damn desperate to nick a couple of grape fruits & if I find out who's had them broken fingers will be on the menu, she's taken the other 4 off although they are not ready yet just to make sure she actually gets to taste them.

8
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / Costume
« on: October 19, 2015, 01:01:08 PM »
I've spent the last month shopping for a Bono fancy dress costume.
 But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

9
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / Annoyed
« on: October 18, 2015, 05:34:20 PM »
GOOGLE CHROME DEVELOPERS
your browser keeps telling me that i have problems with my plug-ins not responding. So, heeding your warnings, i left all my plugs out and, guess what, my laptop has now completely run out of power and isn't working at all - and, what's more, my home is freezing cold. have i just been hacked? no wonder cyber crime is on the rise if it's being perpetrated by people within google itself. disgraceful!

10
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / website
« on: October 16, 2015, 05:28:32 PM »
I've just created a website selling and delivering sausages over the Internet

 I'll send you the link

11
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / Club
« on: October 15, 2015, 06:43:21 PM »
I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

12
General Discussion / Pictures
« on: October 15, 2015, 06:10:41 PM »
From tomorrow evening at the Centre de Arte ( above the fuente at the Pueblo ) there is an exhibition from local photographers. I have a couple of pictures in it ( its true ! ) so if you've got a bit of time on your hands go & have a look there's some nice pictures there

13
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / News
« on: October 14, 2015, 06:58:20 PM »
BREAKING NEWS :

The Germans are embroiled in another scandal as they plan to change the alphabet to be ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUXYZ
 It's a VW omissions scandal.

14
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / A disgrace !
« on: October 12, 2015, 01:16:31 PM »

I AM WRITING to complain in the strongest terms about the willful lack of concern for child and animal welfare that is displayed in the nursery rhyme 'Sing A Song Of Sixpence'. Its author clearly has a twisted mind. Not only are blackbirds brutally tortured by being cooked alive inside a pie but, upon escaping, one of them returns to inflict a dreadful revenge on a poor maid, who is doing little more than completing her domestic chores by hanging clothes out to dry in the garden. Her nose is literally bitten right off by the bird, leaving the poor victim with a dreadful facial disfigurement that will no doubt require years and years of corrective surgery to put right.

It is precisely this sort of gritty and traumatic drama that would not be permitted to grace television screens until after the 9 o'clock watershed; and yet these so-called nursery rhyme writers persistently serve up a diet of savage and graphic content to the under-5s at ANY time of the day, including first thing in the morning - and even while I am eating bread and honey in the parlour.

I would certainly like to see these evil peddlers of violence locked up for good and the key thrown away.

Yours faithfully,

Mary Mary, quite contrary

15
Jokes & Quips & moments of levity / Job
« on: October 05, 2015, 08:42:23 PM »
Breaking News :
 Liverpool have failed to persuade top Manager Jurgen Klopp to sign for them, but have managed to get his brother Klippety to take the job

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